The Tourist: It's no Monet

Monet meets von Donnersmarck

I'm not sure that I've seen a film as bad as The Tourist. I did walk out of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (only to walk into the Al Pacino disaster 88 Minutes), and I proudly lasted at least half an hour during Matthew Broderick's epic Inspector Gadget. But I have to say, none of them eluded my senses quite like this one did.

When headliners like Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie sign on to a project helmed by an Oscar winning director, you figure you should at least give it chance, right?

Apparently not. I don't know how many times I confusedly shook my head waiting for the actual movie to begin. The first ten minutes included every known and overdone movie cliche: the sting van equipped with resident coffee drinking surveillance team; the boring and obvious CSI based pseudo-science of the Interpol agents; the all too predictable and perfectly timed protagonist escape.

But the film really goes to hash when the Countess Elise (Jolie) meets Math teacher Frank (Depp). I imagine the writers thought they had prosed themselves a witty exchange for their lead characters initial meeting on the bullet train. But the lack of chemistry between the pair and eventual absence of any significant character development causes the implied tension crafted early on to smack of hollow manipulation.

It was as if writer/director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck had created the monstrosity using random clippings and deleted scenes gathered from the cutting room floor. What exactly was I watching? Was it a comedy? A thriller?

It is telling that von Donnersmarck had trouble categorizing his own film. He called The Tourist "a travel romance with thriller elements" – whatever that is -- “but that if he had to choose between the two, he would choose comedy.”

Except that it didn't make me laugh. Check that. I laughed at things I wasn't supposed to laugh at. Like the pathetically boring boat chase through the canals of Venice (if you haven't seen the film imagine two people your grandparents age chasing each other on electric scooters). The chase climaxes with a spectacularly unimpressive and paralyzingly slow collision of two boats reminiscent of an Austin Powers film. And that's about as exciting as it gets.

Everything in this film -- from the writing to the choreography to the acting -- suffered from this apathetic malaise. Depp seems less then enamoured with his role, and besides Jolie's incredibly tiny size nothing body and overdone haughty glances, not much can be said for her performance either. Both actors seem to be applying the minimum effort required.

Beautiful people will only carry a film so far. At the end of the day, all those steamy looks and charming smiles won't matter if the characters aren't given anything intelligible to say. I was truly trying to like this film, but the complete absence of witty or original dialogue and lack of decent action sequences left me thinking about doing laundry and washing dishes.

Needless to say I felt nothing for the film. I didn't laugh or tense up in suspense. I didn't root for the good guys. In fact, the whole thing left me numb and indifferent. It was like I was watching an existentialist essay on the nothingness of nothingness.

I have this sneaking suspicion that The Tourist is one of those Pink Floyd The Dark Side of the Moon meets The Wizard of Oz deals; where if you synch up the record with the movie, smoke a few joints and just chill out -- you end up with a completely surreal and other worldly viewing experience.

Not that the visuals of The Tourist weren't stunning. Perhaps the beautiful environs of Venice caused the cast and crew to forget they were filming a big-budget action/thriller/comedy/drama. With it's beautiful cerulean blues, ornate architecture and flowing canals, even the artist's Canaletto and Monet found themselves gloriously enraptured with the place. However during their stay these artists still managed to produce something resembling art.

What is amazing is that The Tourist grossed $67 M domestically, with a final worldwide tally somewhere north of $260 M. My guess is that the international flavour brought by Jolie and Depp had something do with the project recouping the $100 M investment made by Columbia. It shudders me to think how much of that Depp and Jolie walked away with.

So I suppose if you're captured by a throng of overzealous Johnny Depp fans and forced to watch this instantly forgettable eye candy classic, do what I should have done -- whip out the secret recipe.